The hour is so late my eyes are burning but I keep working, pushing myself beyond all reasoning and physical safety limits. Obsessively crunching numbers and details with a manic determination making more mistakes than progress because my brain has retired long before my will. Finally quitting out of more anger than common sense I storm out of the office disgusted with my inability to complete the unrealistic work load I have put upon myself. I drive semi-unconscious barely registering the stop signs and street lights heading home. Stumbling in the door I bypass thoughts of dinner and grab the day old pizza crusts from yesterday, stabbing it into a lonely container of cheese sauce in the fridge. I turn on music and power up the television ignoring the answering machines nagging lights. I don't want to talk to anyone and yet I'm drowning in solitude, a hopeless romantic that pushes everyone away . The thoughts and memories of my flaws, failures and rejections begin to filter through the media background noise of Seinfield and Prince, so I grab a bottle of liquid amnesia and head to the bedroom, too tired to cry, too tired to hope as my abusive subconscious relentlessly beats me, burns me and humiliates me... the sweet delicious coma of a blackout couldn't come fast enough....
Have you ever felt like you were trapped in an abusive relationship with yourself? Where you can't even look in the mirror to brush your teeth because the image causes you to mentally vomit. Sticks and stones may break our bones but words can crush the spirit and we whisper thousands of hurting and discouraging words to ourselves. Like McDonald's serving millions of hamburgers stuffing America we dine on negativity till our esteem is full of fatty cholesterol. The results are devastating as our dreams shrivel with the lack of hope we become even more vulnerable to the dangerous temptations the world has to offer.
It looks so much like the runaway teen who has been physically beaten and terrorized all her life, running right into the arms of the predator/pimp who sells her a bottle of empty promises. We loath anyone who preys on the weak but fail to consider how we are guilty of kicking our own self in the head repeatedly when we are wounded. We blame ourselves making cruel unreasonable accusations without any defense, guilty with no hope of redemption.
We take this same graceless attitude into relationships ready to unleash a torrent of pain and judgment upon anyone who dares to be human in our presence. The mixture of anger, regret and self loathing creates an incredible cocktail for continued failure dooming us to live the same day over and over and over again. The momentary distractions of addictions become shorter and shorter like dwindling vacation days at a miserable job.
I write from the heart sharing parts of my dreams and past nightmares to attack the masquerade people hide within. Real recovery, redemption and rediscovery can only be birthed out of a sincere healing of our core, our center, our soul. The pain we have suppressed and buried under years of denial cannot simply be paved over and built upon. The weight of new responsibilities will cause the foundation to sink creating cracks in the walls.
The plan is simple but the task is compounded by the multiple interlocking issues we have groomed since puberty. The intensity of renewing our minds will be one of the most ambitious and arduous challenges we will ever face. We've been brainwashed by the man in the mirror, hypnotized bonding self doubt to our cerebellum with masterful precision. We believe we are a failure instead of a fighter, the pathetic instead of precocious, ugly instead of uniquely beautiful. We ascribe to a destiny of depression instead of a legacy of love.
We are designed for more than self pity or self destruction. We were never meant to live within the purgatory of our own shameful memories. We need to stop emotionally cutting ourselves, breaking our own spirit with neglect and self loathing. The road to redemption and recovery demands that we stop holding our hopes and dreams hostage freeing ourselves from the bondage of bitter regrets. Make the choice to be kind to yourself, no longer walking through promises of tomorrow with the baggage of the past, enjoy the day you have been given!